183. Micro-Rejections

00:00 – Snarky Opener

Mmm, yeah, micro-reject me, daddy.

00:23 – Episode Introduction

Hello, my LGBTQuties, and welcome back to another episode of A Jaded Gay. I'm Rob Loveless, and today- Oh my god, look who's here! Okay, let's address the elephant in the room.

I disappeared for like six months, which was not planned. You know, planning out 2026, I thought I was in a good place. I was recording episodes way in advance.

I had months of scripts and bonus episodes planned out. I was releasing my YouTube videos, and the year was off to a good start. But by March, things started to shift, and the burnout was really setting in.

Things with grad school were picking up, work was extremely busy, and releasing three videos a week was a lot. So, by April, I was shifting to bi-weekly episodes, and then my final episode came out in May before my Alaskan cruise, and I thought, okay, I'll just take a week off. But then that turned into two weeks, and then I kept thinking that as time went on, I'd feel re-energized and start posting episodes again.

But that never happened. I mean, I've been burnt out before, but this year was different. Like, I've really been struggling with having too much on my plate, and I've been feeling it physically and emotionally.

And this summer was crazy busy, and I was feeling jaded on the daily. And I still kind of am, but originally, I was planning to come back in 2027. So, in September, I started putting together some scripts to get a head start.

But as I worked on each script, I was starting to feel that energy and excitement come back again as I was getting ready to release episodes. So here I am. And I'm really sorry for suddenly ghosting you all.

I mean, I am a Gemini. But to make it up to you, today I'm back with not one, but three new episodes and a bonus episode for all you Patreon subscribers. And as a reminder, you can access all of my monthly bonus episodes on Patreon for as little as $1 a month.

And with that being said, today I am a non-jaded gay because I am very excited to be back with you all. Thank you for tuning in. But that brings us to today's episode.

02:11 – Micro-Rejections

While I was on my hiatus, a lot happened. So, my book Besties in Crime peaked at number 14 on Amazon's LGBTQ+ thrillers bestsellers list. I traveled to Seattle, Alaska, Lisbon, and Marrakech.

I got named to Philly's Businesses of Pride list. I'm on fire. I mean, all big things, right? But I was still really doubting myself through all of it.

Like, number 14 is nice. It's a cute girl. But my book didn't make the sales I was hoping it would.

And I didn't win any awards for it. And then my YouTube videos didn't take off the way I thought they would. And after my trips this summer, I was stuck in the house all summer long doing grad school work.

Burnout was real. And the Business of Pride thing came about because I submitted a nomination for Philly's 40 Under 40, which I didn't get. And they ended up pulling my nomination for that for Business of Pride, which is still an honor, don't get me wrong.

But basically, I had all these things in my head of how I thought they would be. And then the year didn't go as I thought it would. And because of that, I started doubting things with the podcast.

You know, I've been doing this for over four years. And I was reflecting and thinking, yeah, I built something up. But look at all these other indie podcasts that launch and overnight seemingly go viral.

And I don't seem to get that level of traction yet. I'm trying to manifest that. But every week that passed during my hiatus, I started thinking, what's the point? Like, do people actually care? Are they listening? Or am I just another person talking into a microphone making noise instead of things that matter? And none of those things are actual rejections.

Like, I didn't get a bad book review. No one said I wasn't impressive enough for an award. No one told me my podcast was trash.

Not to my face anyway. But all these minor instances of things not panning out the way I thought they would seem to contribute to this overarching sense of rejection in general. And I think that's something a lot of us deal with on a daily basis, which we might not be totally aware of.

So, for our first episode back, we're going to be talking about micro-rejections. But before we get into it, you know the drill. Let's pull our tarot card.

04:02 – Tarot

So, for our first episode back, we pulled the King of Cups in reverse. This is a minor arcana card which represents things in our day-to-day lives. It's feminine energy, which is asking us to meditate and reflect.

And cups is tied to the element of water, which is reflective of our emotions. So, you can think of our emotions flowing freely like water. And the king is the final card in minor arcana suits, so it's representing the end of a cycle and the start of a new one while we're taking all the knowledge from cups with us.

It's also the 14th card in the suit, and when you add double digits together, you get five, which is sometimes referred to as the conflict number. So, while we're coming to the end of this cycle, there may still be a final challenge we need to reflect on. And typically, the King of Cups is signaling emotional stability and empathy, but since we drew it in reverse, its energy changes, and it's telling us we may be experiencing instability or a lack of boundaries.

And this instability can come from not being sure who is around us that we can rely on or doubting our own abilities to lead. And because of this, we may be experiencing more anxiety, depression, or intense emotions that we're repressing and things can easily be triggering us. So, we need to focus on that feminine energy of the card and look within to tap into our subconscious emotions and confront those triggers which may come from uncomfortable insecurities so we can gain a stronger sense of control over our emotional well-being.

That way, we can make sure our feelings and doubts don't block us from living our best lives.

05:19 – What Are Micro-Rejections?

And with that in mind, let's talk about micro-rejections. So, you know how I love to kick off with a vocabulary lesson, and surprisingly, one of the best definitions I found for micro-rejections comes from a LinkedIn post about a year ago.

So, shout out to Michael L, whoever you are. Anyway, he defines micro-rejections as subtle, often unconscious behaviors or attitudes that can create a sense of exclusion, isolation, or lack of acceptance for individuals. And this can occur in romantic, social, or professional contexts.

Usually, rejection is direct and obvious, but micro-rejections are these small, seemingly insignificant actions or words that may not appear harmful at first. But over time, these small forms of rejection can build up and lead to emotional or psychological harm. And interestingly enough, the person committing the micro-rejection may not even realize they're doing it while the self-esteem and sense of belonging of the person experiencing the micro-rejection can be significantly impacted.

A 2024 Medium article goes on to call micro-rejections subtle moments of abandonment that aren't intentional, but still impactful.

06:18 – Micro-Rejections in Romantic Relationships

And in a romantic relationship, micro-rejections can look like a partner half-listening to us, not reciprocating physical touch, not asking about our day, interrupting us, scrolling on their phone during conversations, forgetting meaningful occasions, being late or changing plans, or not giving us compliments. Now, obviously, some of those examples are more extreme, like not having physical touch being reciprocated, like, ouch, yeah, that would hurt if you feel like your partner is rejecting intimacy.

But talking to someone while they're scrolling on their phones, I mean, unfortunately, that's something that happens almost daily for most of us. And while they may seem like small actions, they can have a big impact in the long-term. In 2024, Psychology Today published a blog post about micro-decisions that can make or break a relationship.

In it, Dr. Mark Travers references a 2011 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology that states that the quality of a relationship relies on the belief that one's partner is responsive. He goes on to say that micro-decisions on how to respond to bits for connections, which are any small gesture a partner makes to feel seen, supported, or connected, shape the quality and longevity of a relationship. And he outlines three types of responses to these bits.

The first is active engagement, and this is when a partner actively engages with us with emotional responsiveness through showing genuine interest, asking follow-up questions, or even acknowledging our effort to connect. The second type is dismissal, and this is when our partner misses or dismisses our bits for connection, which creates tiny rifts in our emotional connection. This can lead to a cumulative effect where a pattern of neglect over time can lead to feelings of distance and disconnection.

And the way I interpret this is outright rejection or one of those forms of micro-rejection we talked about. Now, the last type of response is postponed engagement, which is a subtler form of emotional disengagement. And this occurs when a partner indicates that they'll respond to our bid for connection later, but fail to follow through.

And the example Dr. Travers gives is when we share a story or article with our partner, and they say they'll check it out later, but forget to or prioritize something else over it. While this may be unintentional, this type of neglect can still signal disinterest. Now, let's set aside micro-rejections for a minute and talk about rejection in general.

08:22 – Why Rejection Hurts

You may have heard that rejection can actually hurt in a way that resembles physical pain. And while the science is a little more complicated than that popular explanation suggests, researchers have found that rejection activates brain regions involved in processing socially meaningful information. In October 2020, researchers published a study titled Common Neural Responses to Romantic Rejection and Acceptance in Healthy Adults in the journal Social Neuroscience.

In it, they stated that forming strong, stable interpersonal relationships is a basic human need, and social rejection is a potent threat to this need that can lead to sadness, anxiety, social withdrawal, impulsivity, and aggression. And they conducted a study using Functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging, known as fMRI, to examine how healthy adults' brains responded to romantic acceptance and rejection in a simulated dating scenario. The researchers found that romantic rejection and acceptance activated many of the same brain regions, particularly areas involved in processing socially meaningful information and evaluating other people's intentions.

They also found that acceptance produced greater activity in parts of the brain associated with social reward, while rejection did not produce greater activation than acceptance in any of the regions examined. So, these findings suggest that our brains are constantly scanning for social cues and social feedback, both positive and negative, while interpreting what another person's response means for us. And micro-rejections can look a little different depending on whether we're already in a relationship or if we're still in the early stages of dating.

Think about when we start dating someone new. We're taking in so much information, learning about them, and determining how we feel about them. And even if we've been in a relationship for a while, we may wonder if the other person still is attracted to us or invested in the relationship.

So, while our brains are scanning away, those micro-rejections might pop up and then our brains are perceiving those as red flag rejections, even if it's unintentional. Additionally, in June 2025, researchers wanted to understand how people learn from social rejection and acceptance. To do so, they conducted a study using a multi-round economic game, behavioral testing, brain imaging, and computational modeling to examine how people learn from repeated social feedback.

The researchers found that acceptance activated the ventral striatum, a region associated with social and financial rewards, while feedback about how highly participants were valued activated areas such as the anterior cingulate cortex associated with recalibrating perceptions of their social work. From there, researchers concluded that social interactions can help us update internal models of who values us and who doesn't to help shape future decisions about who we should trust, approach, or avoid. Now, that might sound like a useful skill, but given the ambiguity associated with today's dating world, we're bombarded by mixed signals and micro-rejections that make it hard for our brains to determine who to trust.

10:59 – Dating Apps, Mixed Signals, Ghosting, and Micro-Rejections

In fact, a September 2025 PureWow article examined how micro-rejections are changing the way we're dating and listed the following examples, which probably sound all too familiar. Someone you match with on a dating app says you're exactly their type, but then unmatches mid-conversation. You don't hear back from someone you flirted with online, but they watch your Instagram stories.

Or you go out on a first date, they say they had a great time, and then you never hear from them again. And I'm pretty sure all those examples have happened to me personally. Now, the interesting thing is, the article says that none of those scenarios qualify as breakups or flings, and they aren't even technically rejections, but they're all memorable enough to sting.

And between our brains constantly scanning for social cues and updating our internal models of who to trust, we may lose faith in dating over time. It's inevitable that if you're dating online, you're going to be ghosted, breadcrumbed, or unmatched with at some point. And while I think it happens to everyone, sometimes it becomes too familiar.

We might think that using apps always results in the same outcome, so we become wary of dates. Because none of those scenarios are that heavy on their own, but after they start piling up, you finally hit the micro-rejection that breaks the camel's back.

12:04 – Rejection Sensitivity

And there's also a trait known as rejection sensitivity, which is the degree to which you feel a sting of rejection.

According to Psychology Today, someone who has high rejection sensitivity will typically interpret benign or mildly negative social cues as signs of outright rejection, which triggers physiological changes, including the fight-or-flight response. The article states that there have even been studies that found that when rejection-sensitive individuals see disapproving facial expressions, they show heightened activity in areas of the brain that influence blood pressure, decision-making, and emotions. Additionally, in a 2023 University of Rochester Medicine blog post, Melissa Nunez-Harwit, a licensed clinical social worker, expands upon this, saying that the thoughts that accompany rejection sensitivity can be intense and extreme.

For example, a boss giving you feedback on your work may lead to fears of being fired. And for someone who has high rejection sensitivity, you can imagine what a we-need-to-talk text from a partner could do to them. Now, it's important to point out that there isn't total agreement on what causes rejection sensitivity, and researchers generally consider it to be an innate neural tendency, so something that we're born with, a relatively consistent personality trait that can still change over time, a learned response to recurrent rejection, or a combination of those three.

The Psychology Today article goes on to state that childhood experiences, like feeling rejected by a parent or caregiver, may also increase rejection sensitivity later in life. And a separate Psychology Today article from 2023 linked rejection sensitivity to lower relationship satisfaction, more conflict, jealousy, negative thinking, and self-silencing. And rejection sensitivity can lead to actual rejection, since people high in rejection sensitivity are often anxious about their relationship and are constantly looking for signs of rejection.

And I think a good example of this is that episode of Sex and the City when Carrie is convinced all single men in New York are freaks after she went on some bad dates. She then goes out with this guy who seems nice, and she stays over his place. He goes out the next morning to play a pickup game and tells her to hang out in his apartment.

Well, she's convinced there's something wrong with him and tears his place apart only to find out that he's a normal guy, but it's too late. He came home early from his game and caught her going through his things and breaks up with her. He even says, I thought you were actually a normal one.

And she replied, I was.

14:14 – LGBTQ+ Micro-Rejections, Heterosexism, and Microaggressions

Now, rejection and micro-rejections are something everyone deals with, but there are some unique aspects where LGBTQ+ people may experience it more frequently. Because when we talk about micro-rejections, we're usually thinking of an individual interaction between two people.

But for LGBTQ+ people, there's an additional layer because we're navigating life in a heteronormative society. We've talked about heterosexism before, which is the assumption that heterosexuality is the normal or default way of being. And heterosexism can show up through micro-aggressions that subtly undermine or invalidate our LGBTQ+ identity.

For example, if you're a gay man and someone asks if you have a girlfriend, they're making an assumption about you. Now, they may not be doing this intentionally, maybe they don't even have any issue with gay people, but they're assuming that you're heterosexual because to them, heterosexuality is the default. We've all experienced these types of situations regularly.

And after a lifetime of that, these seemingly little instances can start to feel heavy. In fact, researchers who developed the Sexual Orientation Microaggression Inventory found that exposure to overall sexual orientation microaggressions was associated with victimization and depressive symptoms. Additionally, researchers Janet Swim, Kristen Johnston, and Nicholas Pearson had 69 lesbian, gay, and bisexual participants keep daily diaries documenting their experiences.

They found that experiencing more heterosexist hassles was associated with increased anger and anxious moods. The researchers also found that heterosexist hassles affected participants' evaluations of being lesbian, gay, or bisexual and their perceptions of how other people viewed LGB people. And so, I see a connection here between heterosexism and microrejections and rejection sensitivity.

Because if your brain is constantly trying to figure out whether another person accepts you, then an ambiguous interaction can become another piece of information to process. So heterosexist assumptions can create small moments of invalidation or exclusion that can function similarly to other microrejections. And even in our own LGBTQ+ community, we may experience microrejections online.

16:12 – Gay Dating Apps, Minority Stress, and Expectations of Rejection

We previously talked about gay dating apps, which create a pretty unique environment for rejection since we're constantly receiving small pieces of social feedback. Maybe we swipe right on someone but never match, or we chat for a bit and they never respond to our message, or maybe we send them a woof, they view our profile, and then we don't hear anything. On their own, you might brush them off.

But after seeing the same faces in your grid and going through the same interaction, it's hard not to take that personally. And for LGBTQ+ people, some of those moments can happen within a dating environment where we're already constantly evaluating whether we're attractive enough, desirable enough, masculine enough, feminine enough, or simply enough for someone else. In fact, research on minority stress has found that LGBTQ+ people can experience not only actual discrimination and rejection, but also expectations of rejection.

Again, it's not that an individual interaction sends us spiraling, but when enough of those interactions accumulate, we might start using them to define ourselves. Now, a lot of times people may say if you get ghosted by someone or someone unmatches you, that's not your fault and it says more about them than it does about you. And that may be true, but it still stings.

17:18 – How to Cope With Rejection and Practice Self-Compassion

So how do we deal with rejection? Well, in a 2024 Psychology Today blog post, Dr. Michelle Maldenberg says the first thing we need to do is practice acceptance by sitting with the discomfort, processing our feelings, and linking them directly to our values. If we were stood up on a date, we can acknowledge we feel that since we value connection and intimacy, and being rejected in that instance brings up feelings of sadness and disappointment. However, instead of focusing solely on what we didn't get, we need to also consider what we need and deserve.

So, remind yourself that in this instance of rejection, your needs weren't being met. And while it may hurt, it reminds us this person is not the one for us. And as we're working through the rejection, we need to treat ourselves with compassion and not allow rejection to define us.

Maybe that person stood us up because they didn't value us or didn't feel chemistry with us. And while they handled it completely wrong by just ghosting us, it doesn't mean that we did something wrong. It just means that they're someone who doesn't appreciate our value or aren't compatible with us, so we shouldn't place the blame on ourselves.

But at the same time, we do need to be realistic and assess our expectations and how we attach to others. We've talked about this in episodes on infatuation and attachment styles, but sometimes when we start seeing someone new, we get caught up in the fantasy. And that can lead us to unintentionally project ourselves onto them and look at the circumstances through rose-colored glasses and get ahead of ourselves.

So, while we don't want to place blame on ourselves, we do need to take a look at our shoulds and musts to see if they're putting us in a position of being rejected. And ultimately, remember, we are continually learning as we date, learning who we are, what we want, and what types of people we want. So, as you're working through rejection, try to frame it as an opportunity to learn and grow and keep putting yourself out there.

So, as you're working through rejection, try to frame it as an opportunity to learn and grow and keep putting yourself out there.

19:03 – How to Respond to Micro-Rejections in Relationships

Now, as we talked about, micro-rejections are a bit more subtle. And when we experience them, we might feel confused because we weren't technically rejected.

In fact, sometimes we might not feel the sting of it when it occurs, but over time, especially if these micro-rejections have been building up over time. So how do we handle them? Well, according to Tanisha L. Moody, founder and CEO of Fullout Coaching, we need to first recognize the feeling. While it may be easy to brush off and pretend it doesn't matter, we really need to acknowledge what we're feeling and why.

For example, if we're telling our partner something important and it seems like they're only half listening while they're scrolling through our phone, we need to acknowledge if we're feeling ignored or hurt. And as we're acknowledging our feelings, we should also assess the situation and see if this was a one-off occurrence or if this is a larger pattern. Maybe our partners being on their phone during a conversation with us isn't the biggest deal in the world, but if this seems like a continuous pattern, these micro-rejections may shift to us believing our partner isn't interested in what we're saying.

And if that's the latter, then we need to address it with our partner and have an honest conversation by sharing how we feel without placing blame on them. Instead of saying, you always ignore me when I'm talking to you, reframe it to, I've noticed there have been a few times when I've been excited to tell you something, but you've been on your phone and I felt like you might not be interested in what I was saying. And lastly, if you're still really struggling to navigate rejection, maybe you resonated with some of the information on rejection sensitivity, you can explore therapy to help you learn how to process and manage feelings so they're less overwhelming.

20:30 – Episode Closing

And connecting it back to the tarot, the king of cups in reverse, again, this card is telling us that we might have trouble trusting those around us or doubt ourselves, which is causing emotional instability. And so, we might be feeling heightened emotions and feel easily triggered. Maybe we've been ghosted before so we become hyper-aware of others' communication patterns and the first sign of things getting a little quieter, we go into fight or flight mode.

Maybe we've sent so many messages on the apps that go unanswered and we give up looking for connection. Or maybe after years of subtle heterosexism, we believe we're not good enough. It's easy to switch into that default mode of putting up a guard and writing these situations off as being typical.

But this card is telling us we need to pause and look deeper into why we're being triggered by these events. What uncomfortable insecurities do we have to address to begin to trust ourselves so we can become better equipped to handle rejection, whether that's micro-rejections or explicit rejections? By confronting them, we can reframe them as learning opportunities instead of turning this rejection inward and blaming ourselves. This is why self-compassion and self-love is so important.

We need to remember that we're beautiful and worthy of love and acceptance just as we are. Because when we believe that, I truly think that's when we're able to attract impositivity, put us on a path that's aligned with our wants, and helps us handle future rejection so that it doesn't break us. And it's not easy work, but we're at the end of the suit of cups.

We're taking the lessons learned with us throughout our emotional journey to address this challenge head-on so we can begin a new chapter, one where we can trust ourselves and our abilities and those we surround ourselves with.

21:59 – Connect With A Jaded Gay

So, welcome back. First episode after the hiatus, and we went deep, but it's definitely an important concept to understand.

And I'd love to hear your thoughts. Otherwise, I'll feel micro-rejected. Kidding, kind of.

But if you have any feedback or questions, you can email rob@ajadedgay.com. Also, let's keep the conversation going. Head on over to our official Discord server, the LGBTQD's Lounge, to connect with myself and other listeners. And remember to rate, review, and subscribe.

Five stars only. I greatly appreciate it. For more information on this topic, episode resources, blog posts, merchandise, links to socials, all that fun stuff, you can visit the website ajadedgay.com. You can connect with the podcast on Instagram, TikTok, SoundCloud, and YouTube @ajadedgay.

You can follow me personally, Rob Loveless, on Instagram @rob_loveless. Also, if you're feeling generous, consider supporting the podcast on Patreon for as little as a dollar a month. That gets you instant access to episodes ad-free a day early, plus exclusive monthly bonus content.

If you just want to access the monthly bonus episodes, you can purchase them for $3 each. And if you're scared of commitment, don't worry, I get it. You can make a one-time donation on Buy Me A Coffee for any dollar amount, and both the Patreon and Buy Me A Coffee are @ajadedgay.

And remember, every day's all we have, so you gotta make your own happiness. Bye! Felt good saying that.

23:36 – Outtake

He goes on to say that micro decisions on how to respond to bids for a connection... Wait, what did I just say? You can tell I'm a little rusty at this.

Haven't recorded in six months. Here we fucking go. Ahem.