60. Is 30 Gay Death?

Snarky Opener (0:00)

Thirty, flirty, and thriving? More like thirty, hurting, and crying. Am I right?

Episode Introduction (0:25)

Hello, my LGBTQuties, and welcome back to another episode of A Jaded Gay. I'm Rob Loveless, and today I am a non-jaded gay because my recent book, Eleftheria, actually last week, it just won the 2023 Indie Reader Discovery Awards for LGBTQ+ Fiction. So, I was super excited about that.

If you haven't read it already, please go check it out because I've only sold 30 copies, and about a third of them are ones that I bought to give to local bookstores. So, I would greatly appreciate the support. It's now an award-winning book.

So, what are you waiting for? Go shop. But really, if you end up reading it, I hope you like it, and I'm super proud of it.

Is 30 Gay Death? (0:57)

Anyway, from flipping pages to new chapters in life, today's episode is going to be all about gay ageism and the fact that 30 was previously informally referred to as gay death within members of the gay community. And I want to talk about it because I actually just recently turned 30 last week.

Yay. Happy birthday, me.

And for me personally, I know people, like, get nervous about aging and stuff. I actually wasn't freaked out about turning 30. I mean, years ago when I was younger, yeah. But in the past few years, I was actually excited for 30 because I feel like my 20s were a little rough, and I put in a lot of work on things, and really kind of just hoping for, like, a better tomorrow.

And I kind of viewed 30 as, like, the turning point for me where it's like, hey, I'm going into my 30s. You know, I put in all that work in the 20s, and hopefully, I'll, like, reap those rewards and, you know, cruise into the 30s and enjoy that. And, you know, for the past year or so, I felt like I was kind of on that trajectory, but obviously, like, a lot of things had changed recently.

You know, I went through the move, new job, new apartment, new place, new city, like, new people. It's a lot. And with all of that, I don't feel like I have any anchors that I previously had before the move. Like, you know, career wise, not really sure what I'm doing.

And, you know, I don't have my house anymore that I put all that work into. I have an apartment, and the area I'm living in, it doesn't really feel like home. And I don't think this particular spot is ever going to. I definitely love Philly and I want to stay in the Philly area, but hoping to find a different neighborhood that feels a bit more like home.

But obviously, with that, like, you know, the new job, the new people just trying to, like, figure out where I'm supposed to be. And it's not tied to 30 that I feel lost, thinking like, oh, I would have, I thought I would have been in a different place by 30. It's just circumstantially, you know, whatever year it was, whatever time of year it was, I would be feeling this way.

So, with turning 30 recently, like, you know, feeling a little weird just because of the circumstances of not really sure what my next step is and where I'm heading right now in this new place. But overall, like, from an aging perspective, I actually feel, you know, a little bit more confident in my 30s, and I'm happy about that. And I feel like every year, I get a little bit more confident, at least with my decisions or what I'm trying to work towards.

So, like I said, you know, right now kind of in a little bit of a weird place because of, you know, major shifts in my life. But ultimately, I am still kind of holding on to that hope that with everything I've put into my 20s, I'll, you know, reap the rewards of that in the 30s and beyond. So, yay. A little pep talk there.

But it is interesting because, like, I kind of refer to, a lot of people make a big deal about turning 30 and being, you know, freaked out by it. And especially in the gay community, 30 comes with some extra baggage, and so much so that it's informally been referred to as gay death.

I mean, even in Queer as Folk, Brian Kinney buys himself a white silk aviator scarf for his 30th birthday, and then he tries to hang himself with it. And it's because we as a community tend to be focused on age, youth, and beauty.

So, we're gonna talk about it, dispel some rumors and stereotypes. But first, you know the drill. Let's pull that tarot card.

Tarot (3:49)  

Okay, so our card, we got The Hangman in reverse. And this is a Major Arcana card, so big energy we're dealing with here. It's number 12 in the Major Arcana. So, you know, in numerology, double digits, we add them together. So, one plus two equals three, and in numerology, three is tied to creativity, collaboration, and community.

Now, this card is also connected to The Empress, which is number three in the Major Arcana. And when we draw this card in reverse, it's signifying that there's movement going on in our lives, and we may be impatient dealing with those changes, and we may actually be trying to manipulate the outcome. And now, this doesn't mean manipulate, like emotionally manipulating someone.

It's more so telling us that we may be resistant to this movement or trying to control it so we can achieve the outcome we think we're supposed to have. And because this card is very energetic, it's really kind of signifying that we have a lot of desire to begin our journey and we want to take action and move forward, but we also need to be mindful and pay attention to what our body and our mind is telling us. 

You know, when we want to set out to achieve a new goal, we may want to go all in and use up all of our energy to try to get to that end goal as quickly as possible, and we might be sacrificing happiness in other areas of our life. Maybe we're not getting enough sleep, maybe we're not eating the best, maybe we're not drinking enough water, maybe we're neglecting relationships because we're so focused on one area we're trying to achieve.

So, this card is really asking us to pause, take a moment, to slow down so that we can reflect, reenergize, and realign. And another thing we may have to realign is our back because we're 30 now, so you know, gotta get that chiropractor.

Where Does the Idea of Gay Death Come From? (5:16)

Anyway though, getting into the episode. Let's kick it off with a vocabulary lesson. Urban Dictionary literally states when a gay man turns 30, it's known as gay death. And here's an example they give of the term used in a sentence. Oh, my god, next week is gay death for me. Better go clubbing while I still can. 

And guess what? I really didn't like going clubbing when I was 21, so I'm not going to miss that in my 30s. But interesting to note that this definition was submitted to Urban Dictionary back in 2009. And like I said at the beginning of the episode, the idea that 30 meant your life was over for gays goes back to at least 2000 in that Queer as Folk episode.

But regarding the term gay death, I couldn't really find any etymology or history for it. Now, unsurprisingly, Googling gay death brings up some pretty grim articles separate from the topic we're talking about today. But I did come across a Wikipedia page with two definitions for the term.

So, the first claims that gay death is an offensive term for AIDS, which I don't think I ever heard gay death used in that sense, but I can understand kind of how it got there.

But the second definition for it, which we're talking about today, it's the point at which it is perceived a gay man has aged beyond attractiveness, usually around 25 or 30 years of age. And for this use, they cite a 2015 op-ed piece from the Sydney Morning Herald titled Gay Death: They Say 30 is the New 25.

In it, author, Michael Koziol reflects on his impending 25th birthday and states that, if 30 is gay death, then 25 is gay retirement. Here's a quote:

"Battered by bigotry, self-hatred, and the acid tongues of countless drag queens, we've developed a sense of cynicism par excellence. What good could our 30s possibly bring? If age is wisdom, give us ignorance and youthful beauty any day."

Now, truthfully, I did find his article to be a little shallow and kind of looking at the whole turning 30 thing through the lens of physical appearance. However, in my research, I did stumble across a review of a show called Gay Death Stocktake by Samuel Te Kani.

In the review, author Alex Woodward states that gay death is an insidious concept unique to queer people and defines it as the altogether too popular myth that gay men are no longer desirable or fun by the time they turn 30. Here's an excerpt from that:

"For us, and especially gay men, turning 30 is a little bit different. Yes, there are the same arbitrary milestones everyone deals with. Have you bought a house? Are you married? Maybe not kids, but dogs? But more than that, it's about what we perceive to be quote-unquote gay culture."

Internalized Gay Ageism (7:40)

So, in summary, it seems like traditionally, gay men have placed an increased emphasis on youth, beauty, and sex. And so, the idea of turning 30 somewhat symbolizes the beginning of the end to all that.

You know, a man in his 30s may not be the same shiny new twink he was in his 20s. And obviously, this fear of gay death can put a lot of pressure on us.

And interestingly enough, a 2015 study conducted by the Williams Institute examined this concept of what they call internalized gay ageism. Published in the Journal of Social Science and Medicine, researchers defined internalized gay ageism as the sense that one feels denigrated or depreciated because of aging in the context of gay male identity. This study went on to examine whether one's sense of mattering affects any relationship between internalized gay ageism and depressive symptomatology.

Ageism and Homophobia (8:27)

So, for starters, let's look at ageism and homophobia separately. First off, ageism is not just something that affects the gay community. It affects our society at large.

In fact, in 2020, the National Poll on Healthy Aging, conducted by the University of Michigan, asked more than 2,000 adults aged 50 to 80 about their experiences. And 80% of respondents said that they experienced at least one form of ageism in their day-to-day lives with the most common form being jokes about aging and older people, along with messages that older adults were unattractive.

Now, gay or straight, we are living in a world where there is a heavy emphasis on beauty and youth, and oftentimes, there's a belief that older people are less attractive, intelligent, sexual, and productive. Now, going back to the Williams Institute study, it states that there is a rapidly growing number of older people in the United States, and people are living longer.

But despite that, ageism is surprisingly tolerated for the most part. And given this is a form of discrimination, ageism is considered to be a form of discrimination stress, along with stress experiences associated with gender, race, ethnicity, social class, and sexual orientation.

Now, turning toward homophobia, which we are all very familiar with. The study defines it as societal or interpersonal stigma and prejudice directed at the LGBTQ+ community. Similar to ageism, homophobia can be internalized, and internalized homophobia contributes to sexual minority stress. So, you can see how these two concepts parallel each other.

However, when these two intersect, it can compound and create issues for older gay men. You know, for example, older gay men may feel more shame because being gay was less socially acceptable when they were growing up.

Additionally, those who were alive during the AIDS epidemic may be subjected to stigmas based off of the negative social response at that time. Also, there's a stereotype that's been perpetuated of the quote-unquote, predatory older homosexual who preys upon younger men and boys. 

Now, here are some interesting statements from the study. First off, they say to study from 2012 that shows that homophobia appears to be declining in many parts of the United States while internalized ageism increases.

Now, I'd be interested to see if that's still the case today, given the political turmoil that ensued from 2016 on. And then the recent anti-LGBTQ+ legislation and movements that have been gaining traction lately. Anyway, the study also asserts that ageism as a concept is commonplace, but age discrimination is illegal.

However, while homophobia appears to be declining, based off that study, they cited discrimination against sexual minorities is widely institutionalized, and the community faces enduring stigma. And now, here's a quote that I believe ties to this concept of gay death:

"It has been noted that some gay men may experience a sense of quote unquote, accelerated aging, or the feeling that they are old even when they are relatively young because youth and physical attractiveness are disproportionately valued in the gay male community. Feelings of accelerated aging may mostly be applicable to gay men who are single and looking for sexual partners or who are actively involved in gay sexual subcultures. Regardless, many older gay men endure a particular sting associated with natural aging processes because they often feel ignored within the gay male community."

This study also cites that mattering, or at least the perception of mattering, is profoundly important to one's sense of self and appears to be distinguishable from self-consciousness, self-esteem, self-monitoring, alienation, and perceived social support.

Ageism and Homophobia (8:27)

So, for starters, let's look at ageism and homophobia separately. First off, ageism is not just something that affects the gay community. It affects our society at large.

In fact, in 2020 the National Poll on Healthy Aging, conducted by the University of Michigan, asked more than 2,000 adults aged 50 to 80 about their experiences. And 80% of respondents said that they experienced at least one form of ageism in their day to day lives with the most common form being jokes about aging and older people, along with messages that older adults were unattractive.

Now gay or straight, we are living in a world where there is a heavy emphasis on beauty and youth, and oftentimes there's a belief that older people are less attractive, intelligent, sexual, and productive. Now, going back to the Williams Institute study, it states that there is a rapidly growing number of older people in the United States, and people are living longer.

But despite that, ageism is surprisingly tolerated for the most part. And given this is a form of discrimination, ageism is considered to be a form of discrimination stress, along with stress experiences associated with gender, race ethnicity, social class, and sexual orientation.

Now turning toward homophobia, which we are all very familiar with. The study defines it as societal or interpersonal stigma and prejudice directed at the LGBTQ+ community. Similar to ageism, homophobia can be internalized, and internalized homophobia contributes to sexual minority stress. So, you can see how these two concepts parallel each other.

However, when these two intersect, it can compound and create issues for older gay men. You know, for example, older gay men may feel more shame because being gay was less socially acceptable when they were growing up.

Additionally, those who were alive during the AIDS epidemic may be subjected to stigmas based off of the negative social response at that time. Also, there's a stereotype that's been perpetuated of the quote unquote, predatory older homosexual who preys upon younger men and boys. 

Now here are some interesting statements from the study. First off, they say to study from 2012 that shows that homophobia appears to be declining in many parts of the United States, while internalized ageism increases.

Now, I'd be interested to see if that's still the case today, given the political turmoil that ensued from 2016 on. And then the recent anti LGBTQ+ legislation and movements that have been gaining traction lately. Anyway, the study also asserts that ageism as a concept is commonplace, but age discrimination is illegal.

However, while homophobia appears to be declining, based off that study, they cited discrimination against sexual minorities is widely institutionalized, and the community faces enduring stigma. And now here's a quote that I believe ties to this concept of gay death:

"It has been noted that some gay men may experience a sense of quote unquote, accelerated aging, or the feeling that they are old even when they are relatively young, because youth and physical attractiveness are disproportionately valued in the gay male community. Feelings of accelerated aging may mostly be applicable to gay men who are single and looking for sexual partners or who are actively involved in gay sexual subcultures. Regardless, many older gay men endure a particular sting associated with natural aging processes because they often feel ignored within the gay male community."

This study also cites that mattering, or at least the perception of mattering, is profoundly important to one's sense of self and appears to be distinguishable from self-consciousness, self-esteem, self-monitoring, alienation, and perceived social support.

A New Form of Internalized Sexual Minority Stress (11:53)

So, with all that in mind, the Williams Institute researchers wondered if internalized gay ageism as a social stressor is uniquely harmful to gay men's mental health. So, the researchers collected data from two sources.

The first is the Multicenter AIDS Cohort Study, one of the largest and longest-running studies of the natural history of HIV/AIDS in the United States. In fact, the data they used from this had been collected for over three decades. And the second was data from the Aging Stress and Health a contemporary survey of the same Los Angeles-based MACS participants conducted over a nine-month period.

In these surveys, 312 gay men with an average age of 61 were asked a series of questions regarding minority and aging-related stress. And they had to answer to the extent of which they agreed or disagreed with each.

So, the questions included statements like, aging is especially hard for me because I am a gay man, and as I get older, I feel more invisible when I am with other gay men. And through this exercise, researchers were trying to determine if there was a particular overlap between internalized ageism and internalized homophobia among midlife and older gay men generating internalized gay ageism.

So, analyzing the results, researchers found that internalized gay ageism can be reliably measured among gay men and that it was most positively associated with depressive symptoms. They even suggested that this concept of internalized gay ageism is an underexplored form of sexual minority stress.

So, in other words, in gay men, the wider overvaluing of youth in our culture mixes with standard homophobia to create this brand new internalized sexual minority stress.

Yet Another Problem for Older Gay Men: Internalized Gay Ageism (13:28)

And the study was picked up by a couple different outlets breaking down the concept. And one I want to focus on is an article that was published in Slate titled Yet Another Problem for Older Gay Men: Internalized Gay Ageism by J. Bryan Lowder. In the article, Lowder provides this commentary on the concept of internalized gay ageism:

"It's commonplace to point out that, within the gay male community, youth and the sexual attractiveness that supposedly comes with it is a valuable currency. Obviously, straight folks prize smooth skin and nubile bodies as well, but there's a certain way in which the youth cult gets hyper-concentrated among gay guys."

Lowder also comments on the importance of having that sense of mattering. Now, remember, the study pointed out that this is important for our sense of self and can counteract feelings of isolation. And this goes for internalized gay ageism. Having a sense of mattering, or the degree to which people feel like they're important to the world around them can offset this. Here's what Lowder has to say about that:

"A sense of mattering could come from a variety of sources, but one that immediately comes to mind is for young gay men to make a point of spending time and developing friendships with older gay men. There's something of a taboo on this within the community, partially due to the sometimes-true idea that older gay men are only after sex and partially because younger gay men can be incurious historically ignorant babies, but it's one we have to overcome. I have long encouraged cross-generational conversation as a way of transmitting and preserving our history. But now we know it's also essential to the health of the guys who made it possible for us to be out in the first place."

Gay Men Don’t Know How to Grow Old (14:58)

But let's rewind for a minute. We can obviously see that internalized gay ageism is actually a thing and that it has negative impacts on the lives of gay men. But why is it even a thing?

Well, it's because, for most gay men, we don't know how to grow old.

In 2013, Huffington Post published an article by Robert Espinosa titled LGBT People: Let's Talk About Ageism. In it, he explains that throughout the 80s and into the 90s, we lost an entire generation of gay men at the hands of the AIDS epidemic.

Additionally, gay men may struggle with gay loneliness, something we've talked about in numerous episodes. And as a result, there tends to be higher rates of suicide within the gay community. And Espinosa also asserts that older LGBTQ+ people tend to feel, quote-unquote, aged out of social venues, which is evident in LGBTQ+ magazines or calendar listings of activities at local community centers.

And we've talked before about how there is a lack of authentic media representation of the LGBTQ+ community. You know, in the past, representation was primarily the young, white, straight-acting, muscular, attractive gay man. And this lack of representation also affects older LGBTQ+ people.

In Defense of Ageing (16:06)

Also in 2013, the Advocate published an op-ed piece by John Bernstein titled In Defense of Aging. And I'd like to read some of his experiences about aging as a gay man:

"I remember in 1981 hearing the first news reports of men dying of pneumonia and skin cancers in hospitals in New York, San Francisco, and Los Angeles. I was 15 years old and still closeted. I had never even kissed another boy, but already a fear began to take hold in ways I could not yet articulate. By the time I had reached my 20s, the age when young people first began to fall in love and develop serious romantic relationships, the people I loved began to die. Going to hospices and funerals became familiar rituals. The simple act of making love resulted in an excruciating two-week wait for test results. For years, I woke from dreams unable to remember whether I was HIV negative or HIV positive. The Grim Reaper was forever lurking in the shadows."

And regarding gay loneliness and aging, Bernstein goes on to write about Bob Bergeron, a therapist and author of a gay self-help book. Bergeron was preparing for his upcoming manuscript titled The Right Side of Forty: The Complete Guide to Happiness for Gay Men at Midlife and Beyond, which was meant to celebrate the aging process and to be a testament to the enduring wonder of life.

However, at 49 years old, he was found dead in his apartment with a plastic bag over his head. And he left a note saying, "it's a lie based on bad information." And there was an arrow pointing to the title page of his manuscript.

So, Bernstein also wrote that a recent survey commissioned by San Francisco's LGBT Aging Policy Task Force, and again, his op-ed was published in 2013, so the survey isn't so recent anymore. But it did find that 15% of the city's LGBT residents between the ages of 60 to 92 years old had seriously considered taking their own lives within the past year. Bernstein goes on to write:

"For gay men, I believe the problem is that we don't know how to grow old. We lost a generation of teachers and role models to the AIDS crisis, a tragedy that continues to haunt and remind us of our own mortality. Moreover, many of us feel like we lose a connection to our community of support when younger generations ignore us or brush us aside."

Challenges Facing Older LGBTQ+ People (18:11)

Now, going back to the Huffington Post article, Espinosa also lists unique challenges that face older LGBTQ+ people, primarily the fact that they have smaller support networks and are at greater risk of social isolation, which can complicate their quality of life in later years.

And here are a few other difficulties older LGBTQ+ people face:

·       Securing affordable housing, which includes accessing LGBT sensitive home and community-based supports

·       Managing their health and healthcare, including HIV, securing employment, and avoiding poverty

·       Dealing with the physical and mental health effects that come with having survived decades of discrimination

·       And finding intergenerational community and kinship networks as they age.

So, this is obviously a complex problem since we're dealing with ageism against older LGBTQ+ people and internalized gay ageism associated with the fear of aging. So, with all that being said, how do we overcome this?

How to Fight Internalized Gay Ageism (19:04)

How can we learn to age as gay men, and how can we better support our community?

Well, for starters, regarding ageism, Espinosa believes that if we open up the discourse on ageism in our communities, then we can speak honestly about the hardship that comes with aging without veering into overgeneralized pathologies or victimization.

And this could lead to conversations to support the LGBTQ+ community to overcome some of those unique challenges I mentioned before. These include conversations such as retirement planning and how we can strengthen and reform the social safety net through policy reform, cultural competence training, general education, and dedicated funding to LGBTQ-specific services and programs.

Espinosa also highlights the organization Old Lesbians Organizing for Change, promoting quote-unquote old lesbian visibility. And I'm going to read an excerpt from their About Me page:

"We provide old lesbians with a chance to meet like-minded women in our common struggle to confront ageism, share mutual interests, and experienced the joy and warmth of playing and working together. To date, we have produced nine national gatherings where we:

·       Provided financial assistance to dozens of women to enable them to attend

·       Provide disability services for attendees

·       Held workshops and planning sessions on anti-racism and anti-classism, among many other topics

·       Presented the Del Martin Old Lesbian Pride Award”

There's also the National Resource Center on LGBTQ+ Aging, which is the country's first and only technical assistance resource center focused on improving the quality of services and supports offered to Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender older adults, their families, and caregivers.

Additionally, when it comes to internalized gay ageism, Bernstein closed out his op-ed with this really powerful passage:

"Those of us who lived through the height of the AIDS epidemic know all too well that growing old is a gift. We need to start believing it. Growing older gives us the opportunity to build deep and lasting friendships and to discover our authentic selves. Past our surface, deep within are hidden contours and deeper dimensions that we never knew were there. The journey of self-discovery takes a lifetime.

I hope we are the generation of gay men that talks about surviving the AIDS years. I hope we live through the legalization of gay marriage and bear witness to mainstream acceptance. I hope we are the generation of teachers and role models to younger gay men who must come to realize that they, too, are growing older. We are spectators to our own transformation. It's a once-in-a-lifetime event, and we must live to tell the tale."

And again, this op-ed is from 2013, but I think more people within the community have been having this conversation in recent years about how 30 is not gay death.

Redditors Sound Off on Gay Death at 30 (21:33)

In fact, there's a Reddit thread from 2020 titled 30 is not gay death, and the original poster called for the end of normalizing 30 as gay death. And reading through the thread, there were some really interesting responses. So, here's a few I pulled:

"I don't think this is the case anymore. Or if it is, it definitely stuck only in the USA. In Europe, gays over 30 are desirable. They're usually very muscular, hot, and successful. I'm 28 and I can confirm that I literally look 1000 times better than I did before 26. Men are at their peak in their 30s. That's when they are at their strongest and most successful. Plus, unlike 20s, you earn a lot more, travel a lot more and have a lot more wisdom. Whoever thinks 30 is gay death is a literal idiot. Or for some reason, likes being 23 and broke lol."

Now, obviously, that one's pointed a little bit more around, like physical appearance, and we should kind of separate how you look from your value in terms of being gay and in your 30s. But the rest of the response, you know, overall, it's true. Typically, your 30s and into your 40s, I think, are your peak earning years. You might be a little bit more confident in yourself. You know what you want and what you don't want. You have the opportunity to travel more, and you have more life experiences that you've learned from that make you wiser. Anyway, here's another one:

"At first, gay death was scary. Then I embraced it. Now I live my life for me. I feel like that cool, eccentric spinster aunt that people make fun of, but secretly wish they were because she's living her best life. You have to take whatever life throws at you and roll with it."

And here's another one that I found really interesting:

"As someone who didn't come out until 32, yeah, I'd like to see this idea go away."

Which is true because, you know, I came out at 21, and some people think, oh, that's super late to come out. And then other people think, oh, that's really young to come out. So, if we have this idea that, you know, 30 is gay death, what does that mean for people who are coming out in their 30s? That their life is over, they missed their chance? Absolutely not.

You know, you need to discover you when you discover you as you go through life, whether it's, you know, in your teen years, your 20s, your 30s, whenever. So, there is no cutoff for that. You know, you need to live your best life. And whether that's coming out in your 20s or coming out in your 30s, you still have the rest of your life to learn more about yourself. And, you know, find that love of your life if that's something you want.

Here's another one:

"I'm 24 and haven't even started living life to the fullest yet. I still feel like I'm too young and immature to either be hooking up with strangers or looking for meaningful relationships. I've never had good looks on my side, so it's not like I'll be losing anything superficial as I get older. I doubt my gay life will even have a chance to properly begin until I'm in my 30s. We don't have to worry about getting married and having kids before our quote-unquote biological clock runs out. So, what's the hurry?"

And just close out the episode, here's one more from that Reddit thread:

"I refuse to participate in that kind of thinking. I've known wonderful, happy gay men of all ages. I'm in my 50s, and I'm the happiest and most well-adjusted that I've ever been. I've enjoyed the company of men half my age and 30 years my senior. Also, the stories of gay life that my senior friends share are priceless. It's pretty amusing when you realize that that sweet, quiet 80-year-old was picking up sailors and dragging them home on the back of his motorcycle in the 50s.”

Episode Closing (24:23)

And bringing it back to the tarot, Hangman in reverse. Again, it's a very action-packed card. We want to be at that next stage of life. We want to get to those goals we've been trying to achieve. And we might be just throwing ourselves into any situation to get there, but we really need the time to pause and reflect and see what we actually need.

And I think, regardless, at any age, but especially when we might be coming up on a milestone birthday, you know, we might reflect and think, oh, what don't I have in life that I wanted to yet? And I think especially from society with, you know, the focus on youth and beauty, there's a pressure to think, oh, I need to achieve these things now because I don't have time on my side.

But if we try the wrong way to achieve the things we want, if we're throwing ourselves into that, odds are, we're not going to really find a fulfilling, satisfying means to achieve those goals. I mean, let's put it in the scope of a relationship.

Say you want to be married and have kids and buy a house. I mean, that's great, but if you're trying to force yourself to get married by a certain age, then odds are you might be settling for the wrong person. And yeah, you might check off that box by the time you want to. But what happens in 10 years when the marriage isn't working and you're divorced?

You know, I'm not saying that's the case, obviously. People have to do what works best for them, but really kind of give yourself the grace and the time to not just check off the boxes by the number on your timeline, but actually give yourself the time to make sure that you're finding the right situations for you that will yield to that long term happiness you're looking for.

And I'm only a few days into it, but let me tell any of the younger listeners out there, 30 is not gay death. I have not died yet, and I'm not feeling any older. In fact, my sister just told me the other day I don't look a day over 29, so thank you, Michelle.

Connect with A Jaded Gay (25:48)

Anyway, thank you all for listening. I hope you found this episode encouraging. If you have any feedback, please feel free to reach out to me rob@ajadedgay.com.

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And remember every day is all we have, so you got to make your own happiness.

Mmm-bye.

Outtake (27:00)

My neck, my back. Oh, I'm not singing. I'm just listing all the parts of my body that hurt.

My heart also hurts. Not cardiac arrest. There's just a lot on my plate right now, okay?