173. Why Gay Dating Feels So Limited

Snarky Opener (0:00)

So, am I actually going to die alone? Or did I just run out of matches on Hinge?

Episode Introduction (0:24)

Hello, my LGBTQuties, and welcome back to another episode of A Jaded Gay.

I'm Rob Loveless, and today I am a non-jaded gay because I recently started my spring semester for grad school, and I realized that I'm at the halfway point of my program, which is wild to believe.

So, I started in Fall 2024, and it's eight semesters total. Four down. Just started my new one.

And I'm pretty excited because I'm finally through all the core stuff, so like accounting, stats, economics, all behind me, and now I can just focus on my concentrations, which are in marketing and strategic management.

So, this semester, I'm taking a social enterprise class, which has a global focus, which is really interesting, and then also a global business management course.

So, I feel like I'm finally getting into, like, the deep stuff of my degree, and just super excited, because it also means that I am almost done. Spring 2027, where you at?

Scarcity Mindset (1:17)

Anyway, from checking off semesters to checking out of dating, how many times has this happened to you?

You're on Hinge or Tinder or Bumble or some other dating app, and you're swiping away, and suddenly you run out of people.

And you look at your matches, and you don't have very many, and the ones you do have aren't really messaging you. Cue the existential panic and fear that you're unlovable.

At least that's how it's gone for me in the past, especially when I was living in Pittsburgh. You know, it was a smaller city with a smaller gay community, which meant a smaller dating pool.

And whenever that scenario happened, it made me wonder if that was it for me.

And then I'd start spiraling and think that I was destined to be alone and that I might have to move to a new city, which, spoiler alert, I ended up doing that. But not exclusively for that reason.

Now, Philly is definitely a larger city and more queer friendly, and has a larger LGBTQ+ community.

And I haven't run into that situation where I've run out of matches, mostly because I've made myself so busy and stressed out that I don't really have time to date. Because that's healthy, right?

But that's an entirely separate issue that I need to work through with my therapist.

But it does seem like the fear of running out of potential dating partners, that scarcity mindset, is something that many gay men have experienced, regardless of their geographic location.

Now, it's no doubt that no matter where we live, we have a smaller dating pool, and so we may feel those limitations in dating more frequently than our straight counterparts.

And because of that, we may settle for partners who aren't the right match for us, or give up on dating altogether, which obviously isn't healthy.

So today, we're going to look into what causes a scarcity mindset and how we can overcome it. But before we do, you know the drill. Tarot time.

Tarot (2:55)

So, the card we drew for this episode is the Nine of Swords in reverse. Now, Swords is connected to the element of air. It's masculine energy, so it's action-oriented.

And Swords is all about communication, both written and verbal, and our structures and principles. So, you can think of sayings like the pen is mightier than the sword or the sword of truth.

And in numerology, nine shows us that we're almost to the end of a cycle, so we're nearing completion, and just have to go a little further.

And nine is also tied to being alone, and that can mean either loneliness or solitude, depending on how you look at it.

And in the traditional depiction of this card, it shows a woman sitting up in her bed with her head in her hands, and nine swords floating above her.

And these swords represent anxious thoughts and worries that are keeping her up at night. So, when we draw the Nine of Swords in reverse, it's indicating we might be feeling hopeless.

Specifically, we may be experiencing deep turmoil, and that we're trying to keep these worries private. Now, the good news is this card is telling us that we're almost through this cycle of despair.

And since it is an action-oriented energy, we need to determine what steps we should take to get us out of the state of doom and gloom, so we can end this chapter and start a new one full of hope.

And one step we can take is opening up to others about those worries that we've been holding inward.

For starters, it helps to get those things off of our chest, but also seeking help and support from others can help us gain new perspectives.

And finally, this card is a reminder that we need to be gentle with ourselves.

What is a Scarcity Mindset? (4:20)

So, with all that in mind, let's start off with a vocabulary lesson. According to WebMD, scarcity mindset is a way of thinking that focuses on something you don't have enough of.

And this can be tied to anything, including time or money. But this type of thinking can also apply to dating.

And in that regard, scarcity mindset can be tied to a belief that there's a limited amount of dating opportunities available to us.

And according to Psychology Today, this can lead to anxiety, settling for less, and a general fear of being alone. And we'll get into those symptoms a bit more. But first, let's take a look at why scarcity mindset manifests.

In a Women's Health Magazine article, Jiaying Zhao, PhD, an associate professor of psychology and sustainability at the University of British Columbia, explains that one of the primary causes of scarcity mindset is past trauma.

And an example that the article gives is someone who grew up in poverty and becomes wealthy later in life, but they may still fear that they don't have enough resources because of their experiences growing up.

And when we experience current traumas related to this, it further intensifies our past trauma.

So as a result, it exacerbates its effects on a person's psychological well-being and perception of resources, and can create a cycle of scarcity.

And again, going back to the example of poverty, say you're someone who has a scarcity mindset with money, but are currently wealthy.

But say an unexpected cost comes up, like a car or house repair that costs a pretty penny that you didn't budget for.

Now, when this happens, you might think something like, when I feel comfortable with money, things like this happen, so I need to save as much money as possible to prevent this in the future.

And this can lead to an increased fear of not being able to afford those repairs in the future.

And again, some of this thinking may not be that abnormal, but what separates scarcity mindset from rational thinking is an intensified fear of not having enough.

And another factor is your upbringing. Specifically, if your parents had a not enough outlook on life, which could have manifested via competitiveness, hoarding, or excessive saving.

And societal expectations and cultural norms can also lead to scarcity mindset.

And while a lot of those examples relate to finances, I think you can easily see how it ties into dating, especially as it relates to gay men.

Gay Men and Scarcity Mindset (6:29)

We've talked in past episodes about how many of us didn't receive the emotional support we needed from our parents as gay boys, which can impact our attachment styles.

And that's a type of past trauma that can make us feel unlovable, which we may carry over into adulthood.

And as a result, we may think that, since we're unlovable, there's a much smaller pool of men who can love us, so we may find ourselves settling.

Additionally, because we harbored a quote-unquote shameful secret about our sexuality as kids, we may have felt the need to be the best little boy in the world to compensate for that shame.

And a reminder that shame is not ours, but societal shame placed upon us. But that could still lead us to feeling like we need to compete to be loved and accepted, which can tie into that not enough outlook.

And from a societal standpoint, there's an expectation to get married and have children, and if you don't conform to that, people may have an opinion or judgment about you.

So, while scarcity mindset in dating is something that many people may experience, there are some unique factors that specifically affect gay men.

Dating Apps and Partner Markets (7:27)

Now, unsurprisingly, there's not much out there when you Google gay men and scarcity mindset, so we have limited research to work with on this matter.

However, one thing I did find was a 2021 study in the Journal for Social Thought titled Queer Men and Smartphone Dating Applications: Navigating Partner Markets and Managing Stigma.

In it, the authors explain that social norms around dating and marriage have changed drastically, and that the internet has played a major role in reshaping how singles find dates.

And we previously talked about this in the gay dating apps episode. Specifically, some apps like Grindr are geosocial in nature and connect potential mates based on time, ease, and proximity.

And while this may seem convenient, it does create what the authors call partner markets.

Now they cite research that defines a market as existing wherever there's competition for opportunities of exchange among the plurality of potential parties. Sounds very clinical, right?

But basically, these geosocial dating apps like Grindr condense that market down into one place.

So instead of a partner market being the area you live in and all the places you go on a day-to-day basis, it's instead shrunken to whoever appears on your phone when you open a dating app.

And I thought this quote was really interesting:

“In these virtual venues, the self becomes a commodity that must be carefully structured in its presentation to outperform the competition.

The unique aspect of virtual dating markets is that all users can be thought of simultaneously as competition and potential partners.”

Furthermore, several participants in this study found the process of scrolling through dating app profiles to be cold and dehumanizing.

In fact, the authors describe the design of these kinds of apps as having dates being commoditized, and the approach of choosing is correspondingly rationalistic and consumeristic.

Now, if you're living in a large city, you may not notice the limits of geosocial dating apps, since larger cities tend to have a larger LGBTQ+ population and therefore a larger partner market.

However, if you're in a smaller city or a rural location, you can easily scroll through everyone in a few hours.

And numbers are one thing, but compatibility is another, whether that be sexually or what you're looking for in a relationship.

So, it's easy to open your app, see the same profiles that either you aren't compatible with or haven't messaged you back, and really feel the constraints of your partner market.

And cue the existential loneliness. And so, since we feel those constraints, we may settle since that feels safer than being alone.

Now that study also says that dating use also correlates to higher levels of inauthentic self-presentation on the apps. And the researchers specifically relate this to catfishing.

But that concept of inauthentic presentation got me wondering if that could extend beyond catfishing to when someone feels pressured to try to be someone they're not and put themselves in a relationship dynamic that they're not comfortable with because they fear being alone.

And this is one of the dangers of scarcity mindset.

Symptoms of a Scarcity Mindset (10:18)

Going back to that Psychology Today article, people with a scarcity mindset may feel like they're not enough, so they'll settle for any available relationship for the purpose of companionship.

This means that they might stay with a partner who doesn't meet their needs because they're afraid that they won't find anyone else.

And unsurprisingly, these individuals may also have a fear of rejection or fear that they'll lose their partner because of their own self-perceived shortcomings.

They can then become clingy and anxious, which can lead to feelings of insecurity and jealousy.

And honestly, talking through that reminds me a lot about the anxious attachment style we talked about a few years back.

Additionally, a Love Counseling article expands upon those self-perceived inadequacies, explaining that scarcity mindset is often shaped by personal experiences and cultural stories.

And this includes past hurt, cultural pressures like time running out or a biological clock, social comparison to others in happy relationships, and internalized messages about our worthiness, attractiveness, or desirability.

And I think growing up as a closeted gay boy in a heteronormative society with the lack of queer role models makes it easy to see how those experiences can tie to our identity and impact our dating lives.

I mean, have you ever stayed in a situationship way too long, or lowered your standards, or abandoned your boundaries just to keep someone around because being alone feels scarier than being half chosen?

Or maybe you felt panicky or jealous when someone pulls away and start thinking things like guys like him don't date guys like me.

Or have you used dating apps compulsively because you feel like you'll miss your chance and believe your options are limited because of factors like your age, body type, location, relationship history, or identity?

Well, if you're like me, most of those are realities I've experienced while dating.

And those types of thoughts understandably lead to negative self-talk, and we may even blame ourselves for having these limiting beliefs.

But it's important to remember that a scarcity mindset isn't a character flaw; it's an adaptation.

Something gay men developed to survive in environments where affection was conditional, safety depended on hiding ourselves, and rejection shaped our belief about what we deserved.

And so many of us didn't grow up seeing role models of healthy gay relationships, so we developed these limiting beliefs.

Overcoming a Scarcity Mindset (12:27)

But the good news is we can work to overcome this scarcity mindset.

According to Love Counseling, the first step is to notice when these limiting beliefs appear and label it as a story our minds are creating instead of a fact.

And as we're doing that, we'll need to acknowledge past experiences that shaped our fears and allow ourselves to feel that pain so we can move past it.

Instead of dismissing it, treat it with compassion, so that we can begin to silence our scarcity mindset by reframing how we view love and relationships. Next, we'll want to redefine success in dating.

So instead of our dating goal being to find someone as quickly as possible so we're not alone, let's try to view dating as an opportunity to learn about ourselves and our needs.

For me personally, as cliché as it may sound, I try to view every dating scenario or fling as a learning opportunity, and that if it doesn't work out, it's just pushing me one step closer to finding someone who I'm supposed to be with.

And going back to the Psychology Today article, we need to be present and embrace the dating process even when it brings fear of the unknown or discomfort from having the difficult conversations.

And we can better prepare ourselves for that by setting boundaries with fear-based urgencies.

So, when fear tries to rush us into making a decision, let's instead pause and take a deep breath so that way we can approach these situations rationally and calmly.

This also allows us to stay in touch with our authentic selves, so we can remember that we have everything we need to take care of ourselves, even if a relationship doesn't work out.

And lastly, we need to make sure we're celebrating our intrinsic worth. We've talked about this in past episodes, but a relationship should complement your life, not complete it.

Being single doesn't mean we have to sit at home and be sad and lonely until we find Mr. Right. We can still pursue our ambitions on our own, celebrate our successes on our own, and take risks on our own.

And that can be as simple as going to a movie by yourself, booking a solo vacation, or taking yourself out for a drink to celebrate a win.

And if we really feel like we need someone there to do those things with, let's look to our friends and family.

Building up these relationships reminds us that love exists in many forms and that we have a strong support system to lean on in the tough times.

And this also reminds us of our value, helps us build up resiliency against scarcity mindset, and reaffirms us that we are worthy of love.

Episode Closing (14:39)

And connecting it back to the tarot, the Nine of Swords in reverse, again, this card is telling us that we're experiencing deep turmoil and are haunted by concern and worry.

So now maybe we've been holding these fears inward, but we're struggling to keep our heads above water.

And like we talked about, so many of us grew up with limiting beliefs about what our value was as a gay man. Maybe we were made to feel wrong, bad, or unlovable.

And those negative perceptions, those swords, they manifest in what we believe we deserve in our relationships as adults.

But this card is action-oriented and empowering us to take the next step forward to break the cycle of negativity.

It's reminding us to be gentle with ourselves, and one way we can do that is by celebrating our intrinsic worth.

If we've been holding in those concerns and fears, let's verbalize them so we can get them off our chest.

Maybe that means speaking to an LGBTQ+ affirming therapist, or maybe it means confiding to your friends and family.

Whichever option suits you best, we need to seek out those opportunities to be heard and release those worries that have been weighing us down.

And above all else, just remember that we are almost at the end of this cycle, and we can move on to a new chapter of hope by taking action and being gentle with ourselves.

Because at the end of the day, regardless of our self-perceived flaws, we are all worthy of love, and we all deserve to be treated with kindness.

Connect with A Jaded Gay (15:55)

So, there you have it, scarcity mindset and gay dating.

I think it's something we've all experienced at some point in our lives, and it's something that we should all be conscious of so that way, we're making sure that we're not just settling for less than we deserve.

So, if you want to share your experiences with scarcity mindset, or have questions or feedback about the episode, you can reach out to me rob@ajadedgay.com.

Please remember to rate, review, and subscribe. Five stars only. I greatly appreciate it.

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Outtake (17:39)

In fact, the authors describe the design of these kind of apps as having daters being commoditized. Commodity, commodity, commoditized.