151. Twink Death: RIP Skinny Jeans

Snarky Opener (0:00)

Wow. Thank you so much for reminding me that my size 28 jeans no longer fit me.

Episode Introduction (0:25)

Hello, my LGBTQuties, and welcome back to another episode of A Jaded Gay. I'm Rob Loveless and, today, I am a mixture of a jaded and non-jaded gay because my neighborhood is being destroyed.

So, for almost a year now, my street has been undergoing construction.

The water department sent through some construction crews to one dig up the water pipe in the middle of the street, and then they were planning on putting new sewer pipes in.

So, they came in October, dug up the middle of the street, and then just put a patch over it. Like they just poured the pavement. They didn't level it, they didn't seal it, so it was a mess.

Then they came back at the end of March, and they were going to start digging up the sidewalks to put in the new sewer line.

So, my neighbors all thought that they were coming in, they were going to tear up all the sidewalks in the street, put in the new sewer lines, and then do all new sidewalks, and do an all-new street, which they've done on the street over from me, and then two streets over from that, they're planning on doing that now. However, they announced that they're not doing that.

They're just patching up and fixing as best as they can. So, literally, the construction crews are currently digging up the previous patch and then patching over that.

So, we have two levels of patches on top of the original street that is unsealed and not level. So, it is just a mess. It's a headache. People are screaming on my street. So, I'm pretty jaded about that.

But then I'm a little non-jaded, because I've been, for two weeks now, on emails with our councilman, the person from the water department who's in charge of this project, and I've just been going back and forth.

I've printed out flyers and gave them to my neighbors, encouraging them to contact them, and finally, after the water guy said that we were just getting a standard repair in our street because the construction isn't expected to affect the majority of our street and sidewalk, I had enough.

So, I alerted the local news stations in Philly, and one of them actually showed up. We got a lot of coverage, like a whole three-minute story showing just how terrible the damage is.

So, I am continuing to push for this. I am fired up because this is my fucking house.

And if you follow me personally on Instagram, odds are you've seen all my stories about what's been going on, the news story, who to contact from the water department.

So, if you're interested, check that out. And I would definitely encourage you to give a call to the city, because this street looks like a war zone.

Twink Death (2:32)

Anyway, from crack sidewalks to wrinkling complexions, today we are going to be talking about the concept of twink death.

And the reason we're talking about this is because recently I saw one of those Instagram story prompts for people to show their quote-unquote twink death.

And I've seen this term pop up in the past, jokingly here and there, but I was surprised by how much prominence this prompt had.

And I was also confused, because in some of the twink deaths, the guys looked pretty much exactly the same, except maybe they had a wrinkle or two or grew a beard.

And I was surprised by that, because for me, I always thought a twink was more of a body type than an age.

And while this is meant to be a lighter social media trend, I do think it reflects how we view aging and body image in the gay community.

So, I wanted to explore this a little bit more, but first, let's pull our tarot card.

Tarot (3:24)

So today we drew The Twink in reverse. Just kidding.

We actually pulled the Eight of Pentacles in reverse. The suit of Pentacles, as you may remember, is tied to the element of earth.

It's very grounding and stabilizing in nature, which ultimately nurtures us.

It's feminine energy, so it's asking us to meditate and reflect, and Pentacles is tied to putting in the hard work and reaping the fruits of our labor. In numerology, eight is tied to infinity, movement, success, and transition.

And if you think about the number eight, it's kind of shaped like an infinity sign, which represents that our energy is infinite and it's always moving through us.

So, when we pull the Eight of Pentacles in reverse, it's telling us that we're feeling undervalued.

This card appears when we're working on development or self-improvement, but it indicates we may be focused on creating perfection, which obviously does not exist.

And our pursuit of perfection may be blocking us from adapting and changing, which ultimately hinders our path forward.

And working toward the impossible goal of being perfect can ultimately cause us to feel burnt out and discouraged.

So, this card is telling us we need to take a step back and assess where we're at and make sure we're focusing on the right things that will bring us genuine happiness and help us achieve our broader goals.

What is a Twink? (4:33)

And with that in mind, let's start off by asking the question, what is a twink?

Well, according to Urban Dictionary, it's an attractive, boyish-looking young man.

The stereotypical twink is 18 to 22, slender with little or no body hair, often blonde, dresses in club wear even at 10 am, and is not particularly intelligent. Ouch.

Meanwhile, Dictionary.com says it's a colloquial term for a young, attractive gay man with a slim, boyish appearance.

Now, the origins of the term twink are debated. Some say it first appeared in 1963, although evidence supporting that is limited.

Meanwhile, some think it's derived from the older British gay slang term twank, which is a homosexual male prostitute.

And Oxford English Dictionary claims its origins date back to the 1970s, having been derived from the word twinkie, which, according to Collins Dictionary, was offensive slang for a young homosexual man, especially one who was boyish.

Regardless of origin, a December 2024 Them article titled, What Is a Twink? Everything You Need to Know About the History of the Queer Slang Term claims that the term gained popularity in the 90s and early 2000s thanks to Queer as Folk and other quote-unquote twink forward media.

And fun fact to note, Wikipedia uses Troye Sivan and Timothee Chalamet as prime examples of twink. 

Wikipedia also goes on to claim that twink is a form of gay subculture serving as a purely physical marker for attributes any one person may hold and/or acquire, highly dependent on normative society's take on beauty standards as a whole, and what the community puts forth and prescribes to.

And going back to the Them article, they list the following as characteristics of twinks:

·       Gay men who have low body fat or petite and dainty frame

·       They are usually in their late teens and early 20s, or at least, look like it

o   And they do note that elder twinks do exist

·       The archetypal twink has no facial hair and pretty or feminine features, like wispy eyelashes or a cherub and complexion

·       And in the public imagination, they are often white and blonde, but over the years, that notion has been challenged and discussed, particularly as the definition of twink has expanded to include other queer folks besides cis gay men

So again, to me, a twink has always seemed to indicate a certain body type. And like the article noted, elder twinks do exist.

But most of these definitions seem to indicate an age range, or that the twink in question has to have a boyish appearance.

What is Twink Death? (6:54)

So, with all that in mind, what exactly is Twink Death? Well, a June 2021 entry on Urban Dictionary defines it as when a twink turns 30 and they are looked at as dead by the rest of the gay community. 

Another definition is that twink death is when a man who was previously described as a twink is shown later in life as particularly ugly.

And another cuts even deeper, defining it as a twink who has aged and can no longer be seen as a twink anymore, likely due to male aging symptoms such as balding and wrinkles.

And Urban Dictionary's examples are pretty brutal, citing Matthew Broderick as an example of twink death and hoping that Shawn Mendes doesn't go through twink death like Leonardo DiCaprio did.

And the thing that's interesting to me is that the first Urban Dictionary definition is tied more to aging, while the other two definitions are tied to physical appearance as a result of aging.

And all those definitions are very negative, focusing on how the twink in question is no longer desirable and is physically unattractive, as opposed to just someone who doesn't fit the twink archetype as they've gotten older.

And especially the first definition seems synonymous with gay death, which ties back to the episode we did on that a couple years ago.

But while these definitions surfaced over the past few years, Know Your Meme claims that the term twink deck has actually been in use of 4chan's LGBT board since at least the mid-2010s.

And I wasn't familiar with 4chan, but it's an anonymous image board site which seems kind of similar to Reddit.

Anyway, one of the earliest uses of this is from December 2016, when a 4chan user and self-described femboy was seeking advice for medication that would help them look feminine and push his twink death off for a few years.

There was another 4chan post about this in April 2020 when another user asked, how do I accept twink death and move on to becoming a top?

However, the concept of twink death really seemed to have taken off in January 2022 from a Reddit thread titled Twink Death and Its Consequences. In it, user VoelSprietPoes writes:

"Greetings, fellow feminine males. Some time ago, I entered my twenties, and like most twinks, started to lose my youthful and playful looks. As it stands right now, I don’t think I can keep up this aesthetic after the age of 25; after that, it’s just done."

Additionally, he goes on to cite exoletus, which is a Latin term meaning to wear out with age.

In fact, in ancient Rome, the word referred to a certain class of homosexual males or male prostitutes, although its precise meaning is unclear to historians.

And in May 2022, a screenshot of one of the 4chan threads about twink death was posted on Twitter, and by December of that year, it was widely used.

And then in February 2023, Twitter users began posting side-by-side images of celebrities, younger selves, and older selves with the caption, twink death is a terrifying thing.

And these quote-unquote celebrity twink deaths included Leonardo DiCaprio, Alex Jones, barf, and Joe Biden.

And then, more recently, in March or April of this year, I've been seeing Instagays posting their quote-unquote twink eras via the story prompt, saying, show your twink self.

And like I said before, when I had seen Twink Death things on social media, it was more tied to body type. Like someone got beefier or stopped shaving their chest.

But in doing the research for this episode, I was surprised by how a lot of its origins is tied to a fear of aging or being ugly.

The Problem with Twink Death (10:13)

And while the concept of twink death can be a light-hearted thing, there are also some problematic elements to it.

As noted in a 2024 Grindr blog, there's an implication that anyone in the LGBTQ+ community who doesn't fit the twink archetype is considered less than.

And I think this ties back to the idea that gay men are still learning how to age.

We've talked about this in a number of episodes, but we lost an entire generation of gay men in the 80s and 90s from AIDS, and because of that, many grew up without role models of what a well-adjusted gay man could be.

So, we didn't have examples of what it looked like to be an authentic gay man or have a healthy gay relationship, or even just learn to embrace aging.

You know, society as a whole is youth-obsessed, but for gay men, this is particularly true.

And part of that is because during the height of the AIDS epidemic, clean-shaven youthful faces and toned and muscular bodies were indicators of health.

And now, here we are, decades later, with gay men living long and healthy lives, but so many of us don't know how to do that authentically.

We're holding on to these concepts of beauty that were a means of survival back then, and from that stems ageism and fat phobia and overall judgment over how we look, which is keeping us from embracing age and the changes that come with it.

For example, last year, I gained some weight. I mean, yes, I was working out harder at the gym, but my diet also wasn't great, so I didn't gain all lean muscle, unfortunately.

And in the past, when I was younger, if my weight fluctuated up a bit. It was relatively easy for me to lose it, but now I'm breathing heavy on 32, and it's not as easy for me to lose weight now, and I'm still working on it.

And this has been tough for me, because I keep thinking I'll feel more comfortable in my body when I get back to where I was.

But the problem with that is I may never get back to where I was, because I'm not 25 anymore.

So how can I allow myself to be comfortable in my body now and not put my value on how my body looked a year or two ago?

And that's a specific example, but I'm sure you can relate, whether it's your weight or your hairline or your skin complexion or whatever it may be.

Unless we have the budget of a real housewife, we can't freeze ourself in time.

Embrace Aging as a Gay Man (12:19)

Aging is something we have limited control over, and it's a normal part of life, and bodies change over time. So how can we better accept that?

Well, going back to our body image episode, we can start being kinder to our bodies by speaking to ourselves as we would speak to our best friend.

Don't be unkind about your appearance and challenge your critical thoughts.

Also, avoid focusing on the body parts that you don't like. Instead, take a broader look at your body and look at the parts that you do like.

Don't go on the scale every day and moderate your exercises. You know, take some time to do other fun things and hobbies that don't involve working on your fitness or body.

And also learn to love the body parts that you don't usually like. This is really tough, but it's all part of self-love, self-compassion, and self-acceptance.

You don't need to have a six-pack in order to be loved.

And, above all else, moderate your use of social media. Believe me, it is so easy to compare yourself to those hot Instagays on there, but the reality is, those body types are not attainable for a lot of us, and that doesn't mean that we're less than.

And also, like we talked about in the gay death episode, there's several steps we need to take to actively work on overcoming internalized gay ageism.

For starters, we need to acknowledge and reflect on internalized beliefs. Let's recognize and challenge personal biases that equate youth with worth and aging with decline.

Also, engage in intergenerational connections. Make sure that you're building relationships with both younger and older LGBTQ+ individuals.

You can even participate in intergenerational programs or mentorship opportunities to share experiences and break down stereotypes. Another big one is cultivate a sense of mattering.

Find ways to feel valued in your community, separate from your looks. This could include volunteering, joining social or advocacy groups, or sharing your story to reinforce your importance and visibility.

You can also work with LGBTQ+ affirming therapists to explore internalized ageism and strengthen your self-worth. And therapy can help develop strategies for coping and building confidence as you age.

It can also help you redefine personal narratives around aging. Let's reject societal ideas that frame aging as a loss.

Instead, embrace it as a time for growth, deeper authenticity, and self-acceptance, and focus on the strength and resilience you've developed over the years.

Make sure you're staying connected and active in your local community by attending LGBTQ+ events.

You know, maybe join interest-based groups or engage in online forums, but staying socially involved helps maintain a sense of belonging and combats age-related isolation.

And above all else, celebrate and embrace your age. Take pride in your lived experiences and accumulated wisdom. This is a luxury that so many gay men from the 80s and 90s were not afforded.

So, we should celebrate where we're at and all that our bodies have gotten us through.

And I think this excerpt from Michael Kimmel's 2023 Twink Death article really sums this concept up nicely:

"Instead of living a future full of fear, I invite you to thank the twink in you for all those years of fun and frolic. Let her/him know that it’s now time to move on to something even better. At some point in our lives, the twink in us has to die. It’s okay, because they’ll be replaced by someone older, wiser, and more self-confident."

Episode Closing (15:19)

And connecting it back to the tarot, the Eight of Pentacles in reverse. Again, this card is indicating that we're feeling undervalued.

And it's probably because we're focusing on self-improvement, but really what we're viewing as self-improvement is a need for achieving perfection, which is ultimately unattainable.

And working toward that impossible goal will cause us to feel burnt out and discouraged, and ultimately, it may block us from achieving something really great.

And ultimately, pursuing perfection can block our ability to adapt and change. Like we talked about for so long, the gay community has put such emphasis on physical beauty.

And for myself, personally, going into any gay bar or gay space, it's really easy to feel intimidated and look around and see, oh my God, look at all these beautiful men.

And what if I don't look as young as this guy, or what if I'm not in as good of shape as this guy?

And I feel like with summer around the corner, there's also a great deal of pressure around what does your beach body look like? And again, if fitness or beauty is your passion, that's great.

There's nothing wrong with, you know, wanting to have a good skin complexion or liking to, you know, stay in shape by running or keeping active or lifting weights or whatever you're passionate about.

But it becomes a problem when we become so hyper-fixated on those things that it's keeping us from enjoying the moment that we're living in.

I know I've talked about this in quite a few episodes in the past, but I've certainly had my struggles with body image, from growing up heavier and then developing an eating disorder and then trying to, you know, stay active all the time to kind of maintain a healthy weight.

And from the time I was 14, I've probably always worried about the number on the scale and what I look like. And I'm still working on those things, but I still have my days where I get in my head.

And especially when I was in my late teens, early 20s, I think that was when I was the most fixated on what I looked like body-wise and what that number was on the scale.

And that's when I might have starved myself a little bit more, or forced myself to work out a little bit harder.

But the funny thing is, during that time, you know, some of the really positive memories I have from in my 20s, whether it was, you know, going on a great date, or taking a vacation or whatever, I don't remember what that number on the scale was or how I felt in my body that day.

I just remember the good times I had from the people I was surrounding myself with.

And I'm fortunate that that's the case, because I think that it's very easy to become fixated on the things you don't like about yourself, and that can keep you from actually experiencing joy and building community with those around you in the moment.

Again, I know for so long, the twink archetype was considered perfection in the gay community, but I think we can all agree it's really hard to achieve perfection.

And luckily, at the same time, I feel that body image within the gay community has evolved.

And I think it's important that we continue to promote inclusivity and not feel like we have to categorize people by body hair or body type or age or subculture or whatever, but that we can just see each other as members of the LGBTQ+ community.

So, let's take the time to really assess where we're at, how we're feeling, and what things really matter in our life.

Again, the whole Twink Death trend on social media, it is a more lighthearted concept.

I don't think there's anything wrong with it, as long as we recognize there's nothing wrong with us if we have never been a twink, or if we no longer fit the twink mold because we are constantly growing, we're constantly learning, evolving, changing, adapting.

You know, aging is normal. Bodies fluctuate. Those things don't dictate our worth as a human being.

So, whether you're somebody who currently identifies as a twink or maybe you're mourning your own twink death, let's just meet ourselves where we're at and appreciate where we're at in this moment, and really focus on being a little kinder to ourselves.

And also remember, dad bods are hot.

Connect with A Jaded Gay (18:48)

Anyway, thank you so much for listening. I hope you enjoyed this episode. If you have any questions or feedback, you can reach out to me rob@ajadedgay.com.

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And remember: every day is all we have, so you gotta make your own happiness.

Mmm-bye.

Outtake (20:16)

And like I said before, when I had seen twink. Twink, twink, twink, twink, twink.